Hiding Insecurities Since 1995
"You said that your love is forever, your forever is all that I need. Please stay, forever with me" - Sleeping With Sirens
Soft palms grazing over the tender skin, earning strangled gasps and creating blissful tensions. Unsteady, heavy breathings had a duel of dominance and some metal clinging filling the quiet night air. Stray locks tangled to each other, the two reuniting to be one, becoming an inseparable bond filled with desire. The poisonous brown orbs tainted the black emeralds with a licentious gaze, swallowing the owner deeper and deeper to the land of pleasures. Every movement drove them into an enthralling dimension, forging to explore the untouched world.
The skillful hands deliberately played the figure like a musical instrument. Every touch was hypnotizing and breathtaking, elicited delightful sounds of moans by a pair of delicate lips underneath. A curve slowly formed in her lips, a ferocious grin that covet to emit something,
“Moan my name.”
No words were sounding as a respond instead, a sharp pained whimper caught her ears. Her vicious grin became wider as she saw the result of her deeds. But an unpleasing spark hit her heart as she detested her opponent disobeying her words. She distanced closer to the figure beneath and repeated her command in a vigor whisper,
“Moan my name!”
Her teasing whisper turned into pained hiss as she felt nails digging deep down her arm, leaving red crescent marks in her pale skin, but in the bottom of her heart she screamed in joy as she successfully satisfied her needs,
I hate when my ears being pierced by annoying and repetitious sounds of my alarm. It’s like my chance getting a piece of heaven being shortened knowing I have to wake up and survive for the new day. The 24 hours that I fully knew wouldn’t be any new day for me. Cause every day is the same. Same things happened, routines repeating, world rotating, and same daily burden I have to carry. Also the same love I have to reunite. The kind of love that they say, after I had been through these years, is sick.
They say I’m psychotic, insane, and foolish. I say I am madly in love.
Cold water running down my body, sweeping out all my fatigue and uneasiness away. I close my eyes and lean my head to the cold tile wall as I feel water splashing my scarred back. Yes I wasn’t misspelled. Scars. How I’m used to deal with that.
I’m not a wrestler or an athlete or doing a job that has to do with physical affection. I’m not a streetgirl who likes to beat and bully the highschoolers in the end of the streets and take away their belongings after laughing vindictively. No, I’m not that kind of person. I’m just a girl. A normal high school girl.
My hand slowly touches my back, feeling the uneven surface. My fingertips leisurely trace every coarse line as the witness of my life history. I stopped in my neck and twitched, feeling the new wet, still fresh lines on the outer layer of my skin. I have a new scar.
I groan slowly as the cold water feels like sharp tattoo needle inked the place where my scars at, though I never know what being tattooed feels like. The only thing I feel when I got these is, I’m being loved. Way opposite of what normal people do. Yes people could say I’m abnormal, I say I am just madly in love.
My name is Jurina and I’m madly in love with a girl named Matsui Rena.
They say my love for her is sick and dreadful. I say my love for her is pure and beautiful.
What is more than beautiful when you’re getting hurt but you still wanted more? What is more than pure when you’re used but you still longing for her? So what if I’m getting hurt. I’m in love with the pain. I’m doing it again and again and never have enough of it.
Loving her is never the reason all this time getting hurt inside out. I know it doesn’t make sense. It just hard to stop. Even I’m shaking up or breaking down, I still won’t give up. Because I know what kills me the most. It’s not the pains nor the bruises nor the scars. It’s letting her go. I don’t want having Matsui Rena far away from my side.
I still can’t believe that she is the one. She builds me up and tears me down. She lights my heart and burns it out. She turns my world upside down. She never realizes how I love her more than she know. But it’s okay. Being with her is enough. As long as she wants me, I’m happy. I don’t need anything else.
I want her love. I want her touch. I want all the bruises and scars caused by her. I want that pleasurable pain again. I don’t care if that causes permanent or temporary pains on me. All I want is Rena for myself. And I want myself to be only hers.
Well I guess I’m a masochist after all.
“Where are you?” Jurina fidgeting in her seat, holding the cell phone while other hand playing with her hair. She bit her lips lots of times between the speaks. Frown never left her face.
“But Rena…It’s been two weeks…I-” she agaped as she heard Rena cut her talking. She only kept silent like a dog being hit by its owner. Some next seconds she dared to speak, whispered to be exact. Like Rena would mad if she has the guts shouting back to her,
“Do you…love him?”
Tears start welled up in Jurina’s eyes. Every word she said coming out in tremor. Her hands shaking and she tried to keep balance on her seat, though she preferred to drop herself down in her bed then bury her face in a pillow and make it wet by her tears only in seconds, just like she always did.
I’m fine with just being used. I’m fine as long as I have a chance to be with you. Please don’t leave me like this.
She knew saying “I don’t know.” means two things, “Yes, but I don’t want to say it directly.” or “Just get over me and live your life, okay?”
You said ‘move on’, where do I go?
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?” Rena’s voice kept going in repeat in her head.
Jurina couldn’t handle the upcoming tears that constantly rolling her cheeks. She closed the lid shut and threw the innocent device to the sofa before dragging her feet to bed. All she wanted now is crying and get over with it.
You made a wrong turn. He’s ain’t real, Rena. He ain’t able to love you like I will. He ain’t able to give you what I gave.
All she could do is screeched her eyes shut and curling her toe as Rena driving her to the peak. Her chained wrist turned red and bruised by the time she kept moving against the solid metal. Constant moans and muffled screams keep coming out from her throat. If she could speak, she would beg Rena to stop, but she couldn’t. She didn’t have the braveness to do that. The last thing she wanted to do is breathe but the black scarf was successfully gagged her.
“Are you tired? Nod if so.” A cold tone of voice drifted Jurina back to her consciousness. She hesitantly thinking before decided to give a single nod. Her heart wanted more but her body alerting of the very little amount of energy she had. She could even feel her own sweat drops dampened her hair. Jurina slowly leaned her arched back to bed, resting her head and closed her eyes while tried steadying her pace of breathing.
“You’re so weak lately. Are you tired doing this with me?” Rena asked again, Jurina could hear a slight of worry there. She opened her eyes immediately and shook her head persistently in denial. Jurina had a slight of apprehension that Rena doesn’t want to touch her again, and that was her biggest fear. Rena sighed and unlocked the manacles that hampered the blood circulation in Jurina’s wrist. Rena saw how deep the cuffs were tightened around Jurina that made her wrist bruised and leave circling red mark. She turned and threw the metal device to the floor. Its material made a horror echo as it banged the floor.
“Enough for today, go.”
The grateful in Jurina’s face as she felt Rena lower her pressure gradually changed into a shock aura. She clearly heard disappointed and pissed tone in Rena’s voice. Jurina took off the gag and for the very first time after been a while not saying a word,
Rena suddenly felt a tight wrap around her waist and a steady pace of fatigue breathing blew her ears. She kept silent and caressed Jurina’s hands before letting them go.
“I’m not gonna see you again.”
Jurina felt as if the sky were falling upon her. World reverse rotating and tides changing. Her already weak arms weakened by the words. Her heartbeat was getting in an unhealthy pace as she tried to stutter,
“W-what’s m-my fault, Rena?”
No response. Rena kept staring at the floor.
Jurina hugged Rena tightly and started sobbing in her shoulder, soaking the pale skin bit by bit.
“Don’t leave me. Please stay with me-“
“Live your own life, Jurina. Live it as a normal teenager.” Rena cut her talking shortly.
“NO! I don’t want any life if it’s not without you! I’d rather die than living a life without your existence…Rena…Rena…Rena!!!” her tears rolled down like a river flow. Rena sighed.
“Do I have choice? I’m okay with just being like this, Rena. I’m happy with you just touching me. I’m happy just being your sex slave. I don’t ask too much, do I? Please, you can do anything to me! You can do anything as you please…then I feel complete. Just don’t leave me…” Jurina whined. She shook Rena’s body in vigor, silently asking for an uncoming agreement.
“Well…maybe…we can work things out for a while.” Rena nodded slowly.
More scribbling sounds filling the pale yellow bedroom. Jurina couldn’t stop marking her wall calendar with a red pen. Shaping circles in every numbers furiously. There were formed sixty red marks in it, signing it was sixtieth day since Matsui Rena stopped calling her.
Throwing the pen to the floor, she started pulling her hair and screaming desperately. If someone walks in, he or she would assume Jurina was in a withdrawal of drugs. Her appearance was so far from okay. Not having a well sleep for weeks successfully formed bags under her eyes. Jurina’s hair was in a huge mess. There were also some blood lines and parched scars across her wrist.
She screamed Rena’s name again before dropped herself in the bathroom. She fumbled her pocket and took out what happened to be a razor. Giggled insanely, she did again what she had been doing these times. Scratched. Scratched and scratched. She need more than permanent scars to beat the permanent heartbreak in her chest. Jurina kept scratching and screaming in agony until the pains feel like nothing for her. She panted heavily as she saw her own blood drenching her lap, reddening her pants and the floor. Letting out the last giggle, Jurina blacked out.
It’s cold but it’s warm.
Something strange kept hitting the spot somewhere in my arm.
I realized my sight was black. Total black.
Oh, did I close my eyes?
I fluttered my eyes open.
It’s all white. But it’s familiar.
Is that my bedroom ceiling?
Yes it is.
Ah, it’s cold again. But it’s also warm. What is this?
I drifted my vision to my arm.
Looks like water drops.
“Jurina! Thank God! I thought I could never see you again.”
I felt a hug.
I saw her smile.
I saw her tears.
Matsui Rena cried for me.
First time she cried for me.
My love isn’t one-sided.
sorry for the crap grammar and storyline *bows*